jenepherre | Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

Why is it that some people think they know exactly what you meant by a certain phrase or statement, and when you tell them that's not what you meant, they refuse to believe you? You know my thoughts better than I do? Then in the next breath, they point out that they're not mind readers. Really? And yet, you just said that you knew what I meant... what I was thinking. So... even if I try and share my thoughts with you, you're going to come to your own conclusions about those thoughts, and if I get hurt because you refuse to believe me when I tell you your assumptions were wrong, then that's my fault?

I realize I'm making no sense right now... well, to most of you anyway... but that's okay. I just need to vent and to talk myself through this to try and understand what I supposedly did wrong.

If someone said to you, "I'm open to ideas... and I'll continue to look into it myself..." in regards to a project, would you take that to mean they did NOT want to work on the project in question? And even if you did somehow believe it meant 'no.' isn't it vague enough that - when you decided to have someone else do the job - you'd let that first person know? Just out of courtesy, tell them they didn't need to worry about it?

I just really really don't understand why these people think I need to 'get a grip' because I was hurt and a bit frustrated by the fact that someone else was now doing something that I understood was my responsibility and no one bothered to tell me. I have no problem giving up that responsibility, but jeez... couldn't you at least let me know? Why the fuck is that too much to ask? And didn't we just deal with basically the same problem a week or so earlier, and, I thought, come to an understanding about it? I must have been imagining that.

After all the work I've gladly done for both of these people... how did it come to this? Do I really not have a right to feel hurt? You think I'm insensitive, vindictive and petty for wanting to understand what happened and set the record straight?

I'm sitting here with a Christmas card from one of you on my bulletin board beside my computer. I know things are difficult for you right now. And I'm sorry if talking to you about this right now seems insensitive, but I didn't get to pick when I found out that someone I considered a very dear friend thought so little of me. It happened when it happened. It's not like I can take the pain I'm feeling and 'defer' it until it's more convenient for you. I'm sorry, but I don't know how to do that.

I'm not sure what else to say... the degree of animosity in both of your responses took me completely by surprise. Especially the one of you I've known and worked with longer. You have no idea how much it hurt me to read that, coming from you.

It's killing me to just leave things like this, but if you don't want to listen, it doesn't do much good for me to talk, does it?