Just stuff

[jenepherre]

I hate this time of year. I enjoy the holidays and I love my family and being with them, but it is so stressful sometimes. But that's not why I hate this time of year. It's just gray and cold and my depression is always at its worst during November/December/January/February. Every time I've had a severe depressive episode, it's been at this time of year. (Yeah, I do know that's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need to get me one of those special lamps.)

I realized something kinda interesting yesterday. There have been a couple of times where I was depressed enough to cut myself. Both were during this time of year, of course. But what I realized is that both happened on years when I was living away from my family and didn't go home for Christmas. There were other obvious factors that triggered the severe depression and urge to cut myself, but it's interesting that the only two times I haven't been with my family for Christmas just happen to have been the only two times I've cut myself.

I'm incredibly lucky to have an awesome family. I can honestly say I love every one of them. They're all so good to me and so supportive, even when they don't really understand what I'm going through. My nieces and nephews are the lights of my life. And they all seem to love their Auntie Jen. And I'm going to have another nephew any day now!!! My sister isn't due until the 19th or 20th or something like that, but she's already 3 cm dilated, so we're all on alert. So exciting! Just thinking about all my kiddos cheers me up. And I just got a new digital camera, so I can take lots and lots of pictures of them and even short video clips! Not that I'm allowed to share any of them with you guys - my siblings all prefer their kids' identities be kept private, which I totally understand. It's too bad though... they're so cute!!!

I'm still seriously mourning the lost friendship mentioned in my post of a couple days ago. We were really close... I thought. We shared secrets with each other. And though we hadn't been as closely in touch with each other lately, I just didn't see any of this coming. I thought he knew that work for him was always a priority, even if I was busy. And if I was stressed, doing things for him was always a welcome reprieve from my stress. I just don't understand where he got the idea that not bothering me would be doing me a favor. I'm sure I didn't handle the situation well... I'm like a lot of people... when I'm hurt and confused I get defensive and sometimes overreact. But the responses I got from him and the other person involved just... blew me away. I know I should just let it go, but it's going to take some time. And the truth is... I don't want to let it go completely. I miss him and want him back as a friend. But I don't know if things can ever be like they were before.

Now wasn't that a nice depressing post? At least it may explain my latest icon a little... don't take it literally. I'm not doing anything stupid. Oddly enough, I found that just making the icon and putting it on my journal had a somewhat similar effect to actually cutting myself. It's another way to create a visual sign of internal, hidden pain. It was a little bit of a release.

There's nothing like sharing personal mental health issues with the entire world wide web, is there? ::shaking head::

Comments

[k2daisy.livejournal.com]

*hugs Jen tight*

You do talk to someone about the cutting impulse, right? Because I really think you should; I know you said you're not going to do anything, but just as simply making the icon was a release for you, so too I think talking about it with a professional would be. You have to take care of yourself, sweetie, and the best way to do that is to make sure you have a support system that knows about all the painful things that upset your sense of inner balance.

*hugs Jen again*

And congrats to your sister, and to you! I adore being Auntie Kristen, and I can totally understand your glee. And of course your nieces and nephews adore their Auntie Jen; how could they not? :)

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

Aw sweetie - I didn't mean to freak you out with the cutting talk. It was only the two times, and it's been... over 5 years ago. I've been seeing shrinks most of my life - though I wasn't during either of those two times. I have an awesome shrink now that I totally trust. And my family and friends make for a 100% dependable support system. I was away from my real support system both of those times. But the really important thing is knowing why you do it in the first place. Mine is exactly what I mentioned before - needing a visible sign of whatever inner pain I'm feeling. I rarely even need that these days since I've got great friends and family to talk to. But as you can see, I found a different, safer way to get that visible sign.

That said, cutting is extremely common... part of the reason I wasn't worried about mentioning it here was because I know several of my LJ friends are also cutters. A cutter, by definition I think, is not attempting suicide. I wasn't, although a previous doc I had called them 'suicidal gestures.' ::shrug:: I'm not saying it's necessarily a good thing to do, but for some people (don't read Amazon's response below LOL!), it's no different than getting a piercing or a tattoo. Of course, I think those people are coming at it from a completely different mindset than I was. They're just pain sluts. hehehe

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. And part of how I know I'll be fine is because I can talk about stuff here or in emails or whatever and I have good friends to support me. Like you. *hugs Kristen back*

Be watching for the big baby announcement! I can't wait!!

Auntie Jen

[peach1250.livejournal.com]

I hear the Beatles singing when I read that.

I'm home alone this weekend want to talk live? Love you sweetie.

Re: Auntie Jen

[amazonx.livejournal.com]

Actually it's Auntie Gin...from "Let 'em In" by Wings...yes, I'm a freak, beat me.

You know, Jen, speaking of music, there's a line of a song I always sing to myself when I end friendships. I'm not a good friend to people, actually. I'm kinda selfish and I tend to pull away completely when I feel I'm being imposed on. Instead of being normal and, like, talking about it. So I know how you feel.

I sit at my desk, play Freecell and listed to Semisonic's "Closing Time". The line? "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

*hugs Jen tight* I cut myself all the time, actually, when I don't have a tattoo or piercing healing. Don't cut yourself anymore. Enjoy your family. Mom is well? Dad is well? *hugs you tight* Be good to yourself, baby. You're too talented, and too wonderful not to. OK?

Re: Auntie Jen

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

K - you're gonna scare Kristen. She's already freaked out by my post. LOL Now tell me, how many piercings and tattoos do you have? Or maybe I should ask, how often do you get one? Now I'm gonna be worrying about you. I mean, I understand, but... all the time? ::coughPainSlutcough::

Yeah, that's a nice line from that song... a little too happy and positive for my mood right now though. I'm gonna stick with a quote from the late Phil Hartman on NewsRadio:
"There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, 'I never liked you... get lost.'"

hehehehe

Georgia might be offended that you corrected her regarding something related to a Beatles song. Isn't she supposed to be the expert? :-P

Re: Auntie Jen

[amazonx.livejournal.com]

Georgia will get over it. And it's not a Beatles song. It's a Wings song. Two different bads. LOL!

And yeah, I have 3 tats (one was reworked twice, so techinically 5), 18 earrings, my navel and my nipples and...plans for more!

I have no problem saying pain slut loud and proud! Pain lets me know I'm still alive!

Re: Auntie Jen

[peach1250.livejournal.com]

Yes Ms Anal Rententive...Paul will always be a Beatle to me...And Jen hon if you've seen Dreamcatcher or read it you know what my memory looks like...I just didn't take time to open the Beatles file and get the right song out.

Now about tattoo's this icon is one I have planned for someday...it's going on my left tit to mirror the Scully snake that is on my right one. And one day I will get a really sharp picture of the one on D'Argo's head and that is going on my calf in rainbow colors. Forbes got a new one a couple of weeks ago. They are an addiction.

Need to answer a couple of emails. I'm actually being productive today. I read my zine all day yesterday.

Re: Auntie Jen

[amazonx.livejournal.com]

GO WRITE!!

You owe me a regression, YET AGAIN!

Re: Auntie Jen

[peach1250.livejournal.com]

Demand much? Got to do an entry for the Clark Lex LJ. Then I'll see what I can do. Want the special hell scene from the San Francisco regression to make you drool?

Re: Auntie Jen

[amazonx.livejournal.com]

YES!!!!

Re: Auntie Jen

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

::snickering at both of you::

Re: Auntie Jen

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

Oh... I should call, huh? I'm on a whacked out sleep schedule right now though. Been up all night, and will probably go to bed sometime in the next couple hours. Maybe I'll call when I wake up tonight... when is a good time?

Hey - your icon reminded me... you know what I'd really like on that tape with the Smallville ep? Some hot Beecher/Keller action!! I have nothing of OZ on DVD or videocassette. ::sigh:: And I've developed into a huge Chris Meloni fan - totally addicted to L&O:SVU just because of him. But I'd rather have him as Keller... yum! LOL

Love you too, hon.

[mlleelizabeth.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm sorry I haven't been around much this weekend. You know to email me if you want to talk, right?

Have you talk to your Doc about SAD? Sometimes they adjust meds to help with it. And I promise not to nag you about the lamp, or about getting outside a little during the day.

Onto happier things: Christmas Nephew! What a cool present that is!

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

I ordered one of the special lamps yesterday!! Aren't you proud of me?

[vagablonde.livejournal.com]

Hey Jen -

I just wanted to check in and say hi. Just to say I'm out here for any good that it might do.

janet

[jenepherre.livejournal.com]

Thanks Janet... sorry I haven't replied to your last couple of emails... having completely wild mood swings, and sometimes it's hard to get my thoughts together. I'll be okay though.

Did you still need my address? You know I didn't pay you for a dvd though, right?

I *so* need to get out of the house today. Total change of subject there, but it just crossed my mind. I need to get out. Not that Liz is going to bug me about it or anything. ::grin::

[vagablonde.livejournal.com]

No sweat, Jen - no replies were necessary, I just wanted to check in with you. Make sure you are taking care of you, okay?

And Elaine sent along your address so don't sweat that one either. The DVD is for you, I'm not wanting anything back, okay?

Be good to you!