Just stuff
Friday, December 5th, 2003 11:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jenepherreI hate this time of year. I enjoy the holidays and I love my family and being with them, but it is so stressful sometimes. But that's not why I hate this time of year. It's just gray and cold and my depression is always at its worst during November/December/January/February. Every time I've had a severe depressive episode, it's been at this time of year. (Yeah, I do know that's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need to get me one of those special lamps.)
I realized something kinda interesting yesterday. There have been a couple of times where I was depressed enough to cut myself. Both were during this time of year, of course. But what I realized is that both happened on years when I was living away from my family and didn't go home for Christmas. There were other obvious factors that triggered the severe depression and urge to cut myself, but it's interesting that the only two times I haven't been with my family for Christmas just happen to have been the only two times I've cut myself.
I'm incredibly lucky to have an awesome family. I can honestly say I love every one of them. They're all so good to me and so supportive, even when they don't really understand what I'm going through. My nieces and nephews are the lights of my life. And they all seem to love their Auntie Jen. And I'm going to have another nephew any day now!!! My sister isn't due until the 19th or 20th or something like that, but she's already 3 cm dilated, so we're all on alert. So exciting! Just thinking about all my kiddos cheers me up. And I just got a new digital camera, so I can take lots and lots of pictures of them and even short video clips! Not that I'm allowed to share any of them with you guys - my siblings all prefer their kids' identities be kept private, which I totally understand. It's too bad though... they're so cute!!!
I'm still seriously mourning the lost friendship mentioned in my post of a couple days ago. We were really close... I thought. We shared secrets with each other. And though we hadn't been as closely in touch with each other lately, I just didn't see any of this coming. I thought he knew that work for him was always a priority, even if I was busy. And if I was stressed, doing things for him was always a welcome reprieve from my stress. I just don't understand where he got the idea that not bothering me would be doing me a favor. I'm sure I didn't handle the situation well... I'm like a lot of people... when I'm hurt and confused I get defensive and sometimes overreact. But the responses I got from him and the other person involved just... blew me away. I know I should just let it go, but it's going to take some time. And the truth is... I don't want to let it go completely. I miss him and want him back as a friend. But I don't know if things can ever be like they were before.
Now wasn't that a nice depressing post? At least it may explain my latest icon a little... don't take it literally. I'm not doing anything stupid. Oddly enough, I found that just making the icon and putting it on my journal had a somewhat similar effect to actually cutting myself. It's another way to create a visual sign of internal, hidden pain. It was a little bit of a release.
There's nothing like sharing personal mental health issues with the entire world wide web, is there? ::shaking head::
I realized something kinda interesting yesterday. There have been a couple of times where I was depressed enough to cut myself. Both were during this time of year, of course. But what I realized is that both happened on years when I was living away from my family and didn't go home for Christmas. There were other obvious factors that triggered the severe depression and urge to cut myself, but it's interesting that the only two times I haven't been with my family for Christmas just happen to have been the only two times I've cut myself.
I'm incredibly lucky to have an awesome family. I can honestly say I love every one of them. They're all so good to me and so supportive, even when they don't really understand what I'm going through. My nieces and nephews are the lights of my life. And they all seem to love their Auntie Jen. And I'm going to have another nephew any day now!!! My sister isn't due until the 19th or 20th or something like that, but she's already 3 cm dilated, so we're all on alert. So exciting! Just thinking about all my kiddos cheers me up. And I just got a new digital camera, so I can take lots and lots of pictures of them and even short video clips! Not that I'm allowed to share any of them with you guys - my siblings all prefer their kids' identities be kept private, which I totally understand. It's too bad though... they're so cute!!!
I'm still seriously mourning the lost friendship mentioned in my post of a couple days ago. We were really close... I thought. We shared secrets with each other. And though we hadn't been as closely in touch with each other lately, I just didn't see any of this coming. I thought he knew that work for him was always a priority, even if I was busy. And if I was stressed, doing things for him was always a welcome reprieve from my stress. I just don't understand where he got the idea that not bothering me would be doing me a favor. I'm sure I didn't handle the situation well... I'm like a lot of people... when I'm hurt and confused I get defensive and sometimes overreact. But the responses I got from him and the other person involved just... blew me away. I know I should just let it go, but it's going to take some time. And the truth is... I don't want to let it go completely. I miss him and want him back as a friend. But I don't know if things can ever be like they were before.
Now wasn't that a nice depressing post? At least it may explain my latest icon a little... don't take it literally. I'm not doing anything stupid. Oddly enough, I found that just making the icon and putting it on my journal had a somewhat similar effect to actually cutting myself. It's another way to create a visual sign of internal, hidden pain. It was a little bit of a release.
There's nothing like sharing personal mental health issues with the entire world wide web, is there? ::shaking head::
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Date: Sunday, December 7th, 2003 03:17 pm (UTC)And Elaine sent along your address so don't sweat that one either. The DVD is for you, I'm not wanting anything back, okay?
Be good to you!